Siva

Hey Siva, that is such a beautiful and deeply felt piece of writing it felt ridiculous to reply in a text.

I'll give you some background.

I am the child of a single mother, I grew up in a small town called Grimsby where no one looked like me, or looked at me (cliché diaspora experience yada yada). I learnt early on that I need to give every part of myself to others in order to be seen, in order to have any value. I have internalised a lot of 00s MTV propaganda that the idea of someone developing a crush on me (an ethnically Indian man) is beyond ridiculous, and I've always moved in the world as if this notion is true, an evil source of energy, but a source nonetheless and one easily evidenced.

Much like the comedian develops their skills early on in life to appease a depressed parent, I too did the same for my Mum and my sister, I took it upon myself to uplift their self esteem wherever possible, it is a pattern repeated throughout my life where I find shy and introverted people and do whatever I can to pull out of them the skill and talent they are hiding from everyone else. I do this partly because I know how much I also needed it myself. While my Mum and sister are now minor roles in my life due to bouts of estrangement (the sad truth is you don't always get what you give) this role of 'the advocate,' is something that will never leave me. It's a tactic I use with anyone I meet, if I can sense someone's own upbringing was full of demoralisation and fawning. I've really taken it upon myself to see people who have these quietly held limiting beliefs and break them open.

This is a dynamic that is amplified through the medium of one on one teaching. Guitar practice in many ways saved my life, I flitted between layers of social strata due to my willingness to submit to the creative process. I am now a zealot for others to bring out the spark in them that will allow them to take the risks to be an artist as the revolution isn't coming anytime soon.

The more closed someone may feel, the cheekier and more engrossed I will become, I need the feedback. I'm going to do anything to get the best of you, I am a performer, it is a compulsion. I use my own perception of myself to blur boundaries — I've never quite believed I could be someone a woman student sees that way, so I move freely without that radar on, usually it suffices. Honestly, I'm still in shock, and I naturally assumed when you brought this up in the lesson, I was the one being reprimanded.

A teacher is supposed to meet the student where they are, and maybe I did feel more motivated in your case. I teach a lot of teenage boys and while they are full of energy, they don't help me regulate and be at peace the way a well voiced and deeply thoughtful adult can. One that I get to see myself in.

I got to look forward to one of those nice lessons where I got something out of it too. To me, this happens in teaching, you have students where it doesn't feel like work, it feels like a kinship, they are an apprentice — and deep down I want a loyalty so strong they will go into battle and die for me like I would for my guitar teachers. The barriers between emotions are permeable, in any one on one interaction feelings come and go, I just let them come and go, I know that means I don't have the same feelings as you do. I'm sorry. I wish I could say something you wanted to hear.

PS, here's the new link